They’re Dropping Like Flies on Bachelor in Paradise

First thing’s first, any number of Bachelor fans might have been wondering whether Evan, a doctor specializing in erectile dysfunction, might himself suffer from ED. That mystery is now solved. After some canoodling with Carly it becomes clear that the good doctor has popped a chub significant enough that the editorial team deems it necessary to cover the tented crotch of his shorts with a generously-sized black box. Only a fool would expect class from Bachelor in Paradise but this incident involving Evan’s rodney might represent the nadir of the franchise’s tastefulness were it not for last season’s hot tub hand job. One imagines that a season of Bachelor in Paradise entails any number of rock-hard stiffies, but to make one the centerpiece of an entire scene is more than a little bit “least-common-denominator.” Evan’s plump doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of this week’s goings-on, it is simply the only moment resembling something interesting with which to remind the audience that Evan and Carly are still around. There’s not much drama to Carly and Evan, which is nice for them but boring for the audience. I would be happy for them if Evan wasn’t such a weenie. A hard weenie, apparently. Boom.

In news not related to Evan’s turgid penis, Bachelor in Paradise lost a whole passel of bachelors and bachelorettes this week. It was a bit of a bloodbath, insofar as a reality dating competition can be a bloodbath. Jared, Caila, the twins, Daniel, and… those two guys are gone. All kinds of curveballs were thrown this week, which would seem to pave the way for a pretty smooth landing in the upcoming finale.

Good guy (like actual good guy) Wells has arrived in Paradise and right away he is a hot commodity. Jared, and, really, everybody, else, sees in Wells an opportunity to offload Ashley, so when he does indeed take Ashley out on a date, the proposition is met with wild applause by the rest of the cast in a moment I thought might blow the entire scheme. The date goes well, Wells and Ashley smooch a bit and, for a while, it seems like Ashley might be sufficiently distracted enough to allow the relationship between Caila and Jared develop. It doesn’t last.

That night’s rose ceremony goes as planned, with Ashley selecting Wells, and all of the couples sticking together, but then the twins announce that their respective searches for love have been failures and they will be leaving together, resulting in the ejection of not just one but three of the remaining bachelors, Daniel, Carl, and Ryan. Ryan, Carl, we never knew ye; nor ye. Daniel is surprisingly afforded little fanfare in his departure, considering he has been on since week one. For weeks he was a very serviceable life raft for unattached bachelorettes. Before the twins make their exit they pull Amanda aside to warn her, vaguely, about Josh, leading, somehow, to a confrontation between Josh and Nick, who, as we know, possess less than warm feelings for each other. Most concerns about Josh seem to stem from bachelorette Andi Dorfman’s tell-all book in which she, apparently, claims that Josh was verbally abusive, a claim that seems, based upon Josh’s general dickishness, likely to be true. For an example of said dickishness, look to the sequence in which he attempts to prevent Nick and Jennifer from taking for the themselves the private room that he feels is reserved for himself and Amanda, then, when he finds Amanda asleep in her own bed acts all shitty and entitled. He’s a prick. Still, Amanda refuses to believe what everyone else says about Josh and goes with her gut which it is hard not to see is steering her in the wrong direction.

The next morning Wells walks alone to the beach where he finds the lovely Jami who is more than happy to take him out on her date. The date goes great, the two seem really well matched, but, of course, things take a turn back at the resort. Ashley, with nothing to distract her, turns her attention back to Jared, pulling Caila aside for a “friendly” chat in which Ashley essentially tells Caila that she is a bad person for liking Jared. Caila feeling that she will not be able to get comfortable in Paradise with Ashley there decides that she will depart and Jared, after a little waffling, decides he will go with her, leaving the weeping Ashley hoist upon her own petard. It’s pretty satisfying to see Ashley thwarted in this way, and would be more so if Jared would have just had the backbone to really tell her off before he left. Jared is a nice guy but he is way too concerned with about not letting Ashley be upset with him. He would be doing himself and, really, her a favor if he simply told her “we are not friends anymore.”
Wells takes center-stage this week as it is he who will be the wild card at the next rose ceremony. Not only does he go out with Ashley and Jami but Shushanna, the beguiling Russian shows up and asks him out as well. During his other dates, Ashley expresses why she is clearly the superior choice, stating with great confidence the things she clearly, desperately wishes were true as though they are fact. She calls Shushanna a “Russian hooker,” (seriously, Ashley can go fuck herself.) While Wells obviously has the hots for Shushanna, Jami does seem like the most substantial of his potential picks. Anything but Ashley, please.

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