Coachella 2016: Here’s What You Missed

Coachella 2016 has come and gone. And once again they delivered on a dank festival with some cool people and just, like a really chill vibe. As the Renaissance Fan’s Millennial correspondent I was on the scene to give you the short list of what you missed.

  1. Flower crowns On Friday morning flower crowns were sorta, like quirky and whimsical, by noon they were totally basic and lame, but they became like, almost kinda ironic just in time for Girthquake to take the stage that night.
  2. Secret shows, secret shows, secret shows! There were a number of artists who chose to play sets from their upcoming albums on more private stages on the ‘Chella grounds. They were so exclusive that only a few got to see them. The Renaissance Fan was lucky enough to catch Khalid and the Suspicious Moles. To get in we had to go to a bar and meet a guy named Switchblade, who roofied our drinks, took us to the show while we were unconscious, and dropped us off afterwards at our campsite with a free T-shirt! On a more disappointing note: we tried to get into Crepe-Pussy’s secret set on Saturday, but it was so exclusive that they canceled when someone showed up.
  3. OHHHHHHH oh no. oh, God. This is not good man; I’m having a hard time. Dude, I need to go lay down for a while. FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! I need some bread. I just need something, some bread, a hotdog bun to chew on, I just, I just, I just, I just.
  4. Did we mention the lineup? As per usual Coachella delivered on a trill lineup. DJ Meathorse, Cock-goblin, Skyy Succulent, and Many Enemas all showed up and came together to put on the dankest fest in memory. Justin Vernon even took a break from recording his concept album where he lives in a trashcan in the woods and plays a mandolin solo every fifteen minutes to jam in a parking lot nearby.
  5. Someone booked Sugar Ray as a joke. It was fuckin’ prime.

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