Bachelor in Paradise Goes Out with Some Banging and Whimpering

The final week of Bachelor in Paradise, or The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for that matter, is not the show’s most interesting. The serious couples are pretty much locked down, the new arrivals do not get a chance to make an impression, and most of the garbage (your Chads, your Daniels) has been weeded out. This final week was only okay, with things shaking out how one would expect. Three proposals, no real surprises.

If there was one real surprise it was that one of Bachelor in Paradise’s sexy singles demonstrated real, good, sense. Wells opted out of a night in Fantasy Suite with Ashley, showing that he is both a good guy and justifiably concerned about the consequences of allowing Ashley to become emotionally attached to him. Where Wells did not demonstrate good sense was in his selection of Ashley at the rose ceremony when he could have picked the vastly more appealing Jami. The selection of Ashley over Jami is a grave injustice but Ashley certainly doesn’t seem to recognize it as such, with hearts in her eyes until Wells informs her that they will not be sharing the fantasy suite. It is fun to watch Ashley’s dreams, expressed in talking-heads, clashing with her reality. Ashley is very, very exciting, going as far as to say she thinks she might be engaged at the end of the show, then having to back pedal and struggle to act real cool when Wells tells her that of course they will not be getting engaged. See you next season Ashley. The most enticing part of this storyline this week was Ashley’s affirmative response to being asked whether she would “sit on [Wells’] dick” in the fantasy suite, a vulgar but fun question posed by Jenn. Quite direct!

Other drama came in the form of the dissolution of the Izzy-Brett relationship which will undoubtedly please vengeful fans of Vinnie. Izzy takes off as soon as the writing’s on the wall and Brett follows suit at the rose ceremony, passing over potential interest, one-week-wonder Lauren. While Brett was never a bad guy, he also never became particularly likeable so no one is sad to see him leave. I guess he did bring that lamp, which was a kind of a funny move, I guess, but not really.

The the final dates are not much to write home about. Josh requests that Amanda “tell me about your kids” in such a way that it suggests that this is the first time he has asked about her kids. He seems increasingly nervous about the potential about having another man’s kids in his life, almost as if he simply sought out the woman he thought was hottest when he arrived in Paradise without giving much thought to what her real life might entail. Carly and Evan go on a body painting date in which they strip down to their underwear (of course Evan is wearing white briefs) and roll around in some paint. The most interesting part of this date is Carly’s observation that they are the “weird couple” so they have to go on the weird dates. She knows the score. Jennifer and Nick have a boring beach and dinner date that reflects the boringness of their relationship. The more volatile Grand and Lace decide to get tattoos that say “Grace” their “celebrity couple name.” This is a decidedly stupid decision but at least when they break up they will just have dumb tattoos that happen to be a real word instead of having each other’s names branded on their wrists. Given the behavior that Lace has demonstrated thus far I was not convinced that she wasn’t going to let Grant get the tattoo and then bail herself. After the dates come the Fantasy suites which would be more interesting if we didn’t know all of these couples have been having sexual relations for weeks already.

Then the proposals. No surprises here. Grant proposes to Lace and she says yes. These two will almost certainly not get married, they seemed destined for a serious flameout down the road. Amanda says yes to Josh who I expect will bail as soon as he gets a taste of life with her kids. He does not, and has never, seemed like a good guy. Carly says yes to Evan; this relationship seems like it may have some staying power as these two seem the least superficial and the most mature. While I warmed to this coupling over the course of the season, I still think Evan is a weenie at heart so it is hard for me to get excited about the pairing. I could have watched Evan get crushed one more time.

It is no surprise that Nick does not ask Jennifer to marry him, not only because the news has been out for a couple of weeks that he is going to be the next Bachelor, but also because this relationship never seemed to have much steam. Jennifer and Nick seemed to like each other and, more importantly, seemed to not want to go home, and so they stuck together, but get engaged? Not likely. So this season Bachelor in Paradise draws to a close, hearts were broken, boners were censored, crabs were featured in b-roll. Thank you for joining us.

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