It’s 2016, and if you haven’t noticed there’s an election going on. Yes, soon the pathetically small fraction of Americans that care enough to do so will cast a vote for the next leader of the free world. But unlike many past elections, there seems to be a general lack of excitement, or maybe even dread, surrounding the shrinking crop of presidential candidates. Well, for all the jaded American voters, allow us to propose an alternative wrte=in candidate: Foul Ball Kid. Officially his name is Ryan, but he’ll run on Foul Ball Kid for reasons that will be obvious in a moment. No, he does not meet the age requirements to be President. No, he has never held office previously, outside of student government perhaps. No, he does not have any executive experience. But please watch this short clip of him at a baseball game that demonstrates all his other qualifications:
This kid is the total package as a candidate (after you get over the age and complete lack of experience). He’s kind and generous, and clearly (and literally) looking after the little guy. He is capable of having a microphone in front of his face for 30 seconds without saying anything stupid and/or racist (not true of much of the real 2016 field). He’s already locked down the mom vote, the mother of the little girl would take a bullet for him after this (his own mom appears, rightfully, very proud as well). The media loves him, at least the baseball commentator segment of the media. And as far as we know he’s never illegally coordinated with his Super PAC “Foul Balls USA: Get America Back Into Fair Territory”.
Oh, and who would be his running mate you ask? Foul Ball Switching Kid:
Where Foul Ball Kid is an ethically pure Beltway outsider, Foul Ball Switching Kid has the traits of an old DC operative, as evidenced by his bait and switch. Foul Switching Ball Kid may use some questionable methods, but you have to admit, he knows how to get results. He’s got moxy. And he’s clearly a big hit with young female voters. Together these two would get things done! Geographically they are a great compliment to each other as well, Foul Ball Kid is from the northeast and Foul Ball Switching Kid is from the great state of Texas. Can you say Electoral College votes?
When you go to the polls this November and you feel that sinking feeling of disappointment in your options, remember the Foul Ball Kids. Finally, a ticket that is both dialogically pure and cunning enough to operate in Washington. And besides, don’t we want a Commander in Chief that brings a glove to baseball games?